


Go Back

by Writinginstardust



Series: Fictober 2019 [14]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Forehead Kisses, M/M, gender neutral reader, getting back together?, sad reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 02:10:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21028544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writinginstardust/pseuds/Writinginstardust
Summary: You made a mistake, followed the Darkling for too long before you saw him for what he was. Then you ran. You ran and never came back. But years later Nikolai finds you and begs you to come home.





	Go Back

“How did you find me?” I stepped back, away from the door and the prince-king now, who stood there. It had been at least two years since I’d seen anyone from my old life and I felt the crushing weight of the mistakes I’d made back then sink into me. This was exactly why I’d run away. I couldn’t face it.

“You told me about this place once. Do you not remember?” I did. Back before the Darkling had any interest in me. When I was just a young grisha and friend to the rebellious prince. Before I’d let lies and false promises lead me down a path that I was going to spend the rest of my life paying for. “I’ve been looking for you since the war ended but no one had any idea where you went.”

“Did you ever think maybe there was a reason for that?” I didn’t want to be found. I was a traitor in my own eyes, saints know what everyone else thought of me. I’d left my life behind for a reason.

“(Y/N), you made a mistake. We’ve all made mistakes. They don’t have to define us.”

“A mistake?” I asked incredulously. “A mistake is bringing a guest kvas instead of wine. A mistake is adding an extra zero when working out a budget. What I did was not a mistake.”

“(Y-”

“I followed a homicidal, power-hungry monster, Nikolai. I helped him with his plans. I did the things he asked of me and I didn’t stop to wonder if what we were doing was right.”

“But you did though. You left.” He stepped closer to me, close enough that I could smell the scent of salty sea air that somehow followed him even months after being at sea. “You saw him for what he was and you left. That took bravery a lot of people wouldn’t have had.”

Somewhere deep down I knew he was right, at least partly, but I just couldn’t forgive myself. I wasn’t sure I ever would. But I’d made my peace with that and had been working on atoning for what I’d done, using my power for good, helping people in the village where I was born, where the people had been devastated or ignored in a vicious cycle for hundreds of years. There was no making up for the role I played in aiding the Darkling’s rise to power but this was a start. I was content with my life here, even though perhaps I didn’t deserve it.

“I didn’t see soon enough.” I whispered. “I was blind to his monstrous ways until it was too late and then what use was I? The damage was done. I’d helped cause it. I was a traitor to this country and to all the people I’d considered family and friends.” I let out a humourless laugh. “And then what did I do? I ran. I could have helped but I was scared of what would happen to me if I joined either side so I left. I did nothing. Helped no one. When you needed me I abandoned you. You’re wrong Nikolai. I’m not brave. I’m a coward.”

He was silent for a minute, probably realising the truth in my words and reconsidering trying to find me. I was surprised he’d even tried in the first place. Of all the people my actions had hurt, Nikolai had it worst. We were…something before the Darkling became my world at 18, and before that we were friends. He’d been my first friend and I’d been his and we’d promised to always be there for each other. And then I’d betrayed him. All because an attractive, powerful man had made me feel important. I didn’t deserve to call him my friend anymore.

“You’re not a traitor. You weren’t the first one to fall pray to him and I’ve forgiven people I loved a lot less for far greater crimes. I forgive you…for everything.” I knew what he meant by that and I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. I didn’t deserve this. “I forgive you. I just need you to forgive yourself.”

“I can’t,” I choked out. He took another step, holding me by the shoulders so I couldn’t get away, locking his eyes on mine.

“You can. (Y/N) please, forgive yourself.” I ripped my gaze away.

“Why did you come here?”

“I want you to come home.” _Home_. The word struck me like a physical blow, knocking the wind right out of me. I avoided thinking of the palace as much as possible, the ache it caused in my chest too much to bear. Everyone I loved was there, all out of reach, all likely glad I wasn’t there anymore. It was a reminder of everything I’d lost, everything I’d ruined, everything I no longer deserved. I had enough reminders already, physical and mental. I didn’t need another.

“I can’t come back. I can’t do it Nikolai.”

“Why not? I already told you, I forgive you. Nobody blames you.” He gently turned my face back towards him and made me meet his eyes. They held complete sincerity and no shortage of love. “You can come home.”

“How can you even want me to come back?”

“I think you know.” I squeezed my eyes shut as if that could stop the words reaching me. Stop the tears from falling. How? How could he still want me after everything I’d done? Even as I asked myself the question, I knew. I knew because I felt the same. I still loved him. Time and distance couldn’t take that away and I knew in my heart that I’d forgive Nikolai just about anything as well.

“(Y/N), look at me.” Slowly, cautiously, I opened my eyes. My vision was blurry but the look on Nikolai’s face still made my breath hitch and my heart lurch and I knew that if he asked me again I would say yes. He seemed to know it too. “I still love you. Please…come home with me.”

“…Okay.” A small smile pulled at the corners of his mouth and he pressed his lips against my forehead, pulling me into a hug I’d been needing for years now. I crumpled against him and he held me tightly like he was scared of letting go again. That was fine. I didn’t ever want him to let go. 

I was going home. The thought swirled around in my head, the only one I was capable of having. But even as I thought it, I realised something else. I might not be in Os Alta yet but that didn’t matter. Standing in Nikolai’s arms, I was already home.


End file.
